Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
