thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Randomize
