He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
My liver just had a heart attack.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
