Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
