that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize