omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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