Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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