He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I love having hate sex.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
