i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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