If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize