I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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