WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
