Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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