My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
