Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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