I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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