I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
