We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
