There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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