I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
