I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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