You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize