Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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