So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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