i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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