If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
