we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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