The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
