it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
