zippers are such a cool invention
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
