i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
