he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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