I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Randomize