Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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