We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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