I cockslap morals
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
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