Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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