Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Everything about him screamed your future.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
