How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
