if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
