Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize
