this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
