I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
