Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
