GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
