I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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