We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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