I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize