So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
