There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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