I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
