I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
