He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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