Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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