you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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