Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
