i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
