I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
