Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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