She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize