Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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