Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
