i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
