How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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