I'll bet she douches with gravy.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
