I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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