he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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