if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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