I think my fart just growled at me.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
