I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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