Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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