mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
my god I love twenty year old dicks
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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