Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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