Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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