i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
