if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
