The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
