someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
