my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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